The wait is over!

Nine months after we were asked to consider becoming foster parents, we received a little bundle of pinkness this past Monday. We got a call at 3:30pm, and by 6pm a social worker arrived at our door, baby in tow. She has quickly become part of the family, and the transition to having her in our home has been pretty much seamless. It just has God all over it.

We had been praying all along for whatever baby the Lord had in mind for us. It struck me that right around the time we said "yes" to becoming foster parents, her mom would have found out she was expecting. Of course, I can't divulge any details, and I can't post any pictures. Too bad, because she is cute as a button, and has stolen all our hearts. The other kids are all a big help, and the big girls have taken turns giving her bottles. Last evening I even had the luxury of reading a book while Bethany fed the baby. She is a natural with her, and beams when she spends time with her.

Other than being a bit sleep-deprived (though I had the most amazing, restorative nap this afternoon!) I am so enjoying this new adventure. It means being really organized so that everything gets done by the end of the day, and it means minimal knitting time (sigh), but it all feels so right. I never would have guessed a year ago that I would be doing this. It is a bit surreal, like I am walking around in someone else's life. At the same time, it feels very natural. Guess twenty-three years of parenting my own kids has left me with the ability and the wisdom to mother one more child. That, and God has provided lots of grace to do it.

Thank goodness it is March break now. A slower pace and lots of hands to help. Time to adjust to our new life together.

A visit to Madonna House

Today turned out to be a beautifiul day to drive up to Madonna House for spiritual direction and some unexpected fellowship. The day was clear and sunny, the roads dry - if full of potholes. Upon arrival at the main house, Jesse found an icicle nearly his size and did what any little boy would do...posed with it as a weapon!

While I spoke with Fr. Robert, Jesse and Paul spent time in the Russian library in the dining room in the main house. Jesse made domino forts for his Lego guys, and Paul visited with whomever happened to pass through.

When it was Paul's turn, I joined Jesse in the dining room, and spent the next while chatting with a few old friends - some staff, and a couple that we run into every few years in various places. We also saw a young friend whom we had met at our Nazareth family retreats a few years ago and who is entering the Poor Clares later in the spring. Our supervisor from the fostering agency, also a friend of Madonna House, just happened to decide this morning that she was coming for a visit, so we got to see her too.

In the parking lot of the gift shop, I spied a slightly familiar face - it was one of the professors from the Academy whose blog I happened upon last week thanks to a mutual friend. I introduced myself and we watched as his toddler son negotiated the water and ice flooding the parking lot. It was good to put a name and face together with the real live person. :)

Then, when I went to the gift shop to pick up a couple of things, I said hello to my friend Rae who works there, and as I did so, I noticed that one of the other clients was looking in my direction. I didn't recognize him, and figured he was just a friendly "valley" type. He said my name as I passed by him, and introduced himself; he was one of Jeremy's mentors in high school, and one of the few people in his entire school career who had a memorable impact on his life. I didn't recognize him at first as it had been a few years since I'd seen him. We chatted for awhile - I found out he is actually from Barry's Bay - and I kept thinking how funny it was that I kept running in to all these people that I know, from all different places in my life.

On the way home, I was thinking about this, how Madonna House and its spirituality draws people from all walks of life, from all corners of the earth, to grow in the love of Jesus and His Mother. In the middle of backabush Ontario, a beautiful thing has been happening for several decades. It's worth the nearly three-hour trip through winding backroads to come to this place of peace and love. I always leave refreshed and ready to return to my vocation. It was good to get spiritual direction during Lent, to hear that I am on the right track with my Lenten efforts and to get some encouragement to keep persevering in the ways that I sense the Lord is leading me.

I love Madonna House and the ways in which its spirituality is easily transferable to home life. While we don't take vows of poverty, chastity and obedience, there are elements of each of these in the life that we live. We try to live fairly simply, and that can be challenging in a suburban neighbourhood. We have tried to create a place of peace, a sacred space that is our home. People have often remarked how peaceful our home is. By God's grace it is indeed that - a refuge for any who come to our door. We try to be open and present, being just "us", nothing very extraordinary. All that to say, it is much easier to make the transition from spending the day out in the country at our little peaceful oasis of Madonna House, back to surburban life, when our home echoes what we left behind in Combermere. We have to live the Gospel wherever we are, and for us it is in the suburbs. Thank the Lord, though, that we get to experience a change of pace and a change of scenery every couple of months.

Living in the Present Moment

I've been thinking since the retreat last weekend what it means to truly live in the present moment. I think that I have come to see that it means - for me - that I need to attend to, abide in, whatever it is that I am doing at any given moment. Honestly, I don't think that I am very good at it.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that, while doing one thing, my mind is usually elsewhere, thinking of the next thing I have or want to do. While working on a knitting project, rather than enjoying that particular project, I find myself thinking about the next one that I want to do. While hastily rolling out dough for pizza, I am thinking about how much time I have before I have to pick up my daughter from her friend's house. While running errands in one store, I am thinking about the next place I have to be. It is like my head is always ahead of where the rest of me is. And my heart is who knows where...

At the retreat, one of the talks was about abiding in the present moment. Marie Thérèse talked about how the word "abide" is in the same family as "abode", which is a dwelling. Can I ever "dwell" in what I am doing? Just stop, rest awhile, stop the whirring in my brain and just "be". This might do my soul a lot of good in this Lenten season. God is here, in this moment. Why would I want to be anywhere else?

Marie Thérèse shared how we need to pray for faith so that we can live more fully in the present moment. I thought that this was interesting, because obviously all of us at the retreat have some degree of faith. Why do I need faith specifically so that I can live more fully in the present moment? Perhaps because with that faith comes the realization that in and of myself, I can't do too much. I can't even be in the moment, since I am always somewhere else. It is by the grace of God - the gift of faith - that I can be in the moment...aware, attentive, expectant. In the moment is where God is going to reveal Himself. Again, why would I want to be anywhere else?

A Retreat to Start Lent

Last weekend I attended a women's retreat in Pembroke with about forty other women. We hailed from the Greater Ottawa Area (if that's even a term!), the Ottawa Valley, and the Peterborough area. There were a few old friends there and I enjoyed spending time catching up. There were several women there whom I see on a regular basis, but with whom I spend little time, so over meals we had some time to share.

The retreat was a very peaceful experience for me. The pace was rather slow, which was fine with me since it seems that I spend a great deal of my life dashing here and there. After each talk - there were five from Friday evening to Sunday morning - there was time for sharing, praying, resting or knitting. Yes, I brought my knitting. It's like that old American Express commercial - "Never leave home without it." In fact, I knitted through all the talks and over the course of the weekend I finished two blanket squares.

The theme of the weekend was "God's Nurturing Presence". The presenters were from Madonna House in Combermere, one of my favourite places in the world. Seriously, this little community in the middle of pretty much nowhere, is an oasis of peace and truth for me. For the past four years Paul and I have been going there every few months for spiritual direction. In the course of our years of visits there, we have come to meet and know many "Madonna House friends".

The presenters for the retreat were Fr. David Linder, who spent a total of twelve years at Madonna House in Ghana, and Marie Thérèse McLaughlin, a laywoman who has spent the past 35 years in Combermere. They were both well-spoken, gentle souls who spoke from the heart. Marie Thérèse introduced the theme of the weekend with an overview of the topics for the weekend - the Trinity, Our Lady, the Eucharist, living in the present moment and beauty. The words that they shared were simple, yet profound - the kind of spirituality with which the simplest soul could identify. I don't deal particularly well with lofty profundities, so this was right up my alley.

I was introduced to a term that was new to me - perichoresis - a term from the early Church Fathers regarding the intimate relationship between the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. We are invited to be part of the dance. I came across this poem that I think embodies what Marie Thérèse was sharing.

Marie Thérèse gave a lovely talk about Our Lady and how we can grow in our relationship with her. Some of what she shared is in this article. She reminded us that when we walk with Our Lady, fears dissipate. Our Lady has the love and strength to be with us at the foot of the cross, just as she did when she was with her Son.

Fr. David gave a very practical talk on clearing the way in our lives for God's nurturing presence. By means of humility, the sacraments, and God's love (the Holy Spirit's bulldozers) the following boulders and rubble - blocks to receiving and living in God's nurturing presence - can be removed. They are a false notion of God, lies about ourselves, sin, disordered attachments, apathy, fear, and self-centredness. We need to protect God's life within us and get rid of whatever threatens that life.

Fr. David's second talk was about the Eucharist and how we need to move the Eucharist to the centre of our lives, however that might look depending on our state in life. This really confirmed what I had been thinking and feeling for the past few weeks. As part of my Lenten journey, I was feeling drawn to attend Holy Mass during the week. In fact, it was like a magnet drawing me. Fr. David encouraged us to seek our Beloved in the Eucharist. He also shared about asking the Lord for a specific healing each time we receive the Eucharist. He told us that the choices we make for love are Eucharistic choices, and that the Eucharist sustains our ability to love sacrificially, generously and wholly.

The last talk by Marie Thérèse was about abiding in the present moment. She drew our attention to four writers whose work expounded upon this topic - Brother Lawrence, Father Jean Pierre de Caussade, Blessed Dina Belanger and Servant of God Catherine Doherty. She shared that when we abide in the present moment, there is no fear. When we immerse ourselves in whatever we are doing, that is where our attention should be. We have to pray for faith so that we can live more fully in the present moment.

Finally, she shared ways in which the three persons of the Trinity are always revealing themselves to us and nurturing us. The Father uses beauty and illumination. The Son gives us His Body and Blood, and identifies with us in pain and suffering. The Holy Spirit breathes on us and gives us inspiration.

The retreat gave me lots of food for thought and was a wonderful way to start off this holy season of Lent. I only hope that I can carry the truths I heard over the weekend throughout this Lent and beyond.

Waiting and contemplation

The past several months have been a time of waiting. After two months of paperwork and preparation last summer and into September, we were approved to be foster parents, specifically for infants to preschoolers. There have been no referrals to the agency in which we are employed, and so we have been waiting. I have been reluctant to take on any big commitments or projects, just in case we get "the call". In the meantime, I have had a big inner struggle as to the significance of this time while we wait, especially my time during the day.

When the children were small and there was at least one child home during the day, I felt like my time and activities had meaning. There was always something to do - food to prepare, noses to wipe, laundry mountain to conquer, stories to read, and so on. Now that the daytime needs are much less, I am left to wonder "what am I doing here?"

It really hits me when I get the alumni newsletter from my alma mater. I was the valedictorian for my nursing graduating class, and had big plans for contributing to the health care system. I worked for a total of a year and a half before having kids, and never went back. In the meantime, former classmates, peers and friends have gone on to complete post-graduate studies, teach at universities, work at interesting jobs, and travel to exotic places. And yet, none of that seemed to be God's call for my life as it unfolded. It seems that God has called me to a more ordinary, hidden, somewhat monotonous life, that occasional sees something of interest appear. I'm not complaining, it's just the way it is.

As I have on many occasions, I shared my thoughts with Paul on this the other day, and this morning he handed me a little book that he has been reading called "The Jesus Prayer" by Mother Maria, an Orthodox nun. He opened it to the following, and I knew what the answer to my pondering was.

“And here we touch on a genuine Benedictine principle for the monastic training, which is to create a frame of life as monotonous as possible in order to bring as many things as possible within the sphere of habit, where they may become second nature and need no further thought, so that the mind is set free for the steady, alert attention to God.

But the monotony of the Benedictine routine and the monotony of the Jesus Prayer rhythm have also another purpose. They help to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where the sense and imagination no longer seek for outward change or stimulation, where all is subordinated to the one aim of centring the whole attention of body and soul upon God, in the sense that the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world.

This initial sacrifice of the world in its rich variety, in order to attend upon God alone, is a step taken in faith into the desert of complete monotony. We deliberately renounce any possibility of breaking that monotony, and leave everything in the hands of God; if he choose, the desert may flower, if he does not choose, then we will endure without seeking relief elsewhere. This is the first step asked of everyone who takes up the Jesus Prayer. It is the same demand which is asked of every contemplative.

This sacrifice, however, reveals itself as the gateway to joy, for it is answered by a growing awareness of the presence of Christ. This is natural, for he promised that he would make his abode with us. It is not, therefore, for him to come, but for us to discover his presence by taking our eyes off the outside world and by attending to the divine presence. And the world within, that awaits our discovery, will soon absorb all our faculties and attract our whole attention.”

Yesterday I was reading an article about boredom - yes, boredom - to try to understand more this inner struggle. The authors had this to say...

"Turn boredom into prayerful waiting...Develop a contemplative lifestyle. Get into the meaning of what you are doing. Attend to people, things and situations in a more complete way that includes their aesthetic and spiritual meaning." - from "The Complete Book of Everyday Christianity"

There was much more in the article, but those were the lines that spoke to me. And so, as I wait, I will try to make the most of this time, not striving to get things done, but taking time to think, be still, pray. This is a very great gift that I have been given. It is up to me whether I treat it as such.

Busy with knitting

I started this blog a few weeks ago with good intentions of posting fairly regularly. Well, it's been a busy few weeks, filled with all kinds of activity except blogging.

After the earthquake in Haiti happened, I was thinking about what I could do to help. A day or two after my last post here, I googled "Blankets for Haiti" and came across a blogger who has a friend going on a mission trip to Haiti and the Domnican Republic in the end of March. This trip was planned long before the earthquake. She asked her friend if people could send handmade blankets along with them on their trip, and the friend enthusiastically agreed. And so began a flurry of blanket-making here the last few weeks.

It is a great blessing to be able to help with my hands, to hopefully bring some joy and comfort to a suffering child through knitting or crocheting something soft. I'm nearly done the current one, and then they will all go in the mail next week. I also have a big pile of squares and samples that I am sending to another knitter who is assembling squares from all over North America to make blankets for the people of Haiti.

The blanket above was actually knit as a class sample for a night school class that I was supposed to teach, but which was canceled due to low enrolment. I felt inspired to send this blanket along.

This blanket was knitted a couple of years ago as a sample that went in a knitting magazine to which I contribute. I had been waiting to find a good place to send it, and when this opportunity came along, it seemed just right.

I have to keep my hands busy, so when I'm not doing anything else, I'm knitting. It has been a great source of creative expression, as well as a wonderful way to "chill" during the day. The other day we were having a conversation around the dinner table, and Bethany commented that knitting is like breathing for me. What a great gift that God has given me.

I have had people tell me that they don't have the patience to knit. I don't find that it takes patience, though it does take the ability and/or willingness to still yourself long enough to get something done. I don't often sit and knit in long sessions, but in bits of time throughout the day. I started doing it that way years ago when the children were small, even knitting while they were (safely) in the bathtub. It's amazing how those bits of time have added up over the years, and I have something to show for it.

So, now and then I'll show a bit of my knitting here, when there's something worth posting. I just thought I'd put it here for today, since that's what has been filling my time as of late.

The cross still stands

Like millions of people around the world, I am terribly saddened by the suffering in Haiti, and I think of those poor, beleaguered people. From far away, all we can do is pray, but we know that our prayers here can help them there.

A friend sent me this photo yesterday, and I kept thinking "the cross still stands".

In the midst of pain and suffering, the cross still stands. It stands as a sign of hope, since Jesus' death and resurrection is the ultimate act of love and hope.

Later on in the day as I drove around town doing errands, I was listening to Matt Maher's CD "Alive Again". One of the songs on it is "You Were on the Cross". I have grown to love this song, particularly in the face of circumstances that I don't understand. The lyrics are eerily appropriate to this sad situation in Haiti. (There was a live version posted that I like more, but this one has the lyrics.)

In Matt's own words about this song at a concert last year - "When the world looks at poverty and hunger, and the world looks at disease and natural disasters, and yells out “Where is God?, you say, “He’s on the cross. He’s on the cross because of suffering. He’s on the cross because of disease. He’s on the cross because of sin, because of shame, because of anger, because of deceit." And from Matt's liner notes - "In the Laments of Job, you get this sense of, "everything is lost, everything is gone, everything that I have worked so hard for, everything that I had been blessed with and I have sores all over me" - I think most people don't really stop to imagine what that must have been like for Job. I got to thinking 'God where were you when this happened?' He was on the cross. I realized that not only is the cross in and of itself the atonement for all sin, but the way in which it happened is now a means by which all human suffering becomes a transformational moment. It does not matter how dark your situation is - God himself has been there and as you grieve it and mourn it you can find consolation in him because he was there."

"Whenever I feel that the things of the world are too much for me, I take refuge at the foot of the Cross. Even if the whole world is shrouded in darkness, if the curtains of all my temples are rent, if I cannot see, nor hear, nor understand, I know that I am safe at the feet of my crucified Saviour."- Catherine Doherty