Waiting and contemplation

The past several months have been a time of waiting. After two months of paperwork and preparation last summer and into September, we were approved to be foster parents, specifically for infants to preschoolers. There have been no referrals to the agency in which we are employed, and so we have been waiting. I have been reluctant to take on any big commitments or projects, just in case we get "the call". In the meantime, I have had a big inner struggle as to the significance of this time while we wait, especially my time during the day.

When the children were small and there was at least one child home during the day, I felt like my time and activities had meaning. There was always something to do - food to prepare, noses to wipe, laundry mountain to conquer, stories to read, and so on. Now that the daytime needs are much less, I am left to wonder "what am I doing here?"

It really hits me when I get the alumni newsletter from my alma mater. I was the valedictorian for my nursing graduating class, and had big plans for contributing to the health care system. I worked for a total of a year and a half before having kids, and never went back. In the meantime, former classmates, peers and friends have gone on to complete post-graduate studies, teach at universities, work at interesting jobs, and travel to exotic places. And yet, none of that seemed to be God's call for my life as it unfolded. It seems that God has called me to a more ordinary, hidden, somewhat monotonous life, that occasional sees something of interest appear. I'm not complaining, it's just the way it is.

As I have on many occasions, I shared my thoughts with Paul on this the other day, and this morning he handed me a little book that he has been reading called "The Jesus Prayer" by Mother Maria, an Orthodox nun. He opened it to the following, and I knew what the answer to my pondering was.

“And here we touch on a genuine Benedictine principle for the monastic training, which is to create a frame of life as monotonous as possible in order to bring as many things as possible within the sphere of habit, where they may become second nature and need no further thought, so that the mind is set free for the steady, alert attention to God.

But the monotony of the Benedictine routine and the monotony of the Jesus Prayer rhythm have also another purpose. They help to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where the sense and imagination no longer seek for outward change or stimulation, where all is subordinated to the one aim of centring the whole attention of body and soul upon God, in the sense that the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world.

This initial sacrifice of the world in its rich variety, in order to attend upon God alone, is a step taken in faith into the desert of complete monotony. We deliberately renounce any possibility of breaking that monotony, and leave everything in the hands of God; if he choose, the desert may flower, if he does not choose, then we will endure without seeking relief elsewhere. This is the first step asked of everyone who takes up the Jesus Prayer. It is the same demand which is asked of every contemplative.

This sacrifice, however, reveals itself as the gateway to joy, for it is answered by a growing awareness of the presence of Christ. This is natural, for he promised that he would make his abode with us. It is not, therefore, for him to come, but for us to discover his presence by taking our eyes off the outside world and by attending to the divine presence. And the world within, that awaits our discovery, will soon absorb all our faculties and attract our whole attention.”

Yesterday I was reading an article about boredom - yes, boredom - to try to understand more this inner struggle. The authors had this to say...

"Turn boredom into prayerful waiting...Develop a contemplative lifestyle. Get into the meaning of what you are doing. Attend to people, things and situations in a more complete way that includes their aesthetic and spiritual meaning." - from "The Complete Book of Everyday Christianity"

There was much more in the article, but those were the lines that spoke to me. And so, as I wait, I will try to make the most of this time, not striving to get things done, but taking time to think, be still, pray. This is a very great gift that I have been given. It is up to me whether I treat it as such.